Da Year Of Da Movie: November

Hold on to yer butts, we’re talkin about da movies! I’m breaking format a bunch in this one. For the first time, we aren’t going in a strict worst-to-best order, and instead we’re going chronologically! What a world we live in. It’ll make sense in a sec, don’t worry.

#1 – The Running Man

Me when I am man who run.

Part of me wants to just leave it there. A single line of text in played out memetic format is really all this movie deserves. The Running Man is fine. There’s plenty wrong with it, but none of those issues are outright deal breakers. Just a middle of the road action comedy that you can throw on in the background while friends are over. A movie destined for Poob. You can watch it on Veex with ads right now. Bro, it will literally be on Skundle next month. Just check it out when it’s on Gralk.

Sorry, got distracted. This is a hard one to talk about, mostly because almost everything notable about it is firmly a negative, yet I still didn’t hate it enough to outright eviscerate it they way I did for something like Materialists. It’s just that every Pro is followed extremely closely by a Con. For example, Glen Powell: Dude’s fun in this! He gives a nice, lively performance as a lead. The problem is that the script desperately wants you to believe he is a rage-fueled psycho, with multiple characters outright stating that “Anger is his Superpower”. In the movie itself, he just seems like a pretty standard, likable everyman. The universe this movie takes place in is one where the average person has every right to be at least a little peeved at all times. So it feels extremely hollow when earth-shatteringly horrible things happen to him, and he just looks a little upset and rolls with it.

In a different world, this could’ve been a dark and gritty movie about a burnt out anti-hero that’s been repeatedly wronged by the system and is now working to exact his revenge from the inside. Powell could’ve done one or two morally ambiguous things that paint him as a guy with a dangerous temper, and the viewer could’ve felt conflicted about rooting for him. Hell, Roofman kinda pulls something similar off in a weird way.

But no, instead we have a movie that is constantly telling us that Richards (His name is Dick, get it?) is a loose cannon that could snap at any moment, but shows us a dude that just doesn’t have any real fire in him.

Part of this might be due to a desire to stick closely to the source material. I haven’t read the book or seen the Schwarzenegger version from the 80’s, but the vibe I get from other reviews is that this version goes out of its way to include almost everything from the novel. Which is definitely admirable, but one of the most important things about adapting an existing story is knowing what to cut (more on that later). And my brother in Christ, there’s some stuff in this movie that I cannot believe made it in. You get an absurdly rough performance from a child actor, a new character introduced in the third act that is COMPLETELY useless in the narrative, some over-explained backstories that grind otherwise interesting sequences to a halt, and a strange sheen of 80’s nostalgia that never comes close to feeling at home next to the otherwise extremely modern setting. Which makes it even more bonkers that the ending is completely different from the book.

This is one of those rushed production nightmares that was apparently finished very close to release, and you can feel it. There isn’t an ounce of that hyper focused, snappy editing that Edgar Wright is known for. Everything feels generically disposable instead.

I think I talked myself out of liking this over the past few paragraphs. I’m currently struggling to remember what I even thought was passable about it in the first place. Brb, updating my Letterboxd.

#2 – Die My Love

My experience on this one is pretty massively tainted by going to see it directly after Running Man in a double feature. Roughly four and a half consecutive hours of cinema is a bit much for me (again, more on that later), and the leap from brainless action to unspeakably bleak character study is very hard to make.

This is the most viscerally upsetting movie I’ve ever seen. Just a complete and utter nightmare to sit through, it assaults every one of your senses and refuses to end. Every time you think it might change things up and mix in some levity, or even just be approaching a conclusion, it instead continues to beat you over the head with its central theme. Which, I think is the point?

Die My Love is about postpartum depression. It’s two straight hours of Jennifer Lawrence having an absolutely horrible time navigating life as a new mother, and almost nothing else. As a story, it is unsatisfying. As a visual film, it is grating. But as Art? It’s honestly kinda brilliant.

Every annoying, skin crawlingly uncomfortable choice is clearly deliberate. There’s a dog that does not stop barking for more than a second for the entire time it’s present in the film. It’s also somehow the loudest movie I’ve seen in theaters this year outside of F1, with some auditory jumpscares that feel earthshattering in the moment.

The Reddit discussion thread for this movie is full of women talking about how seen it made them feel, and the ways that those abrasive choices mirror their own experiences after having children. So while I personally had a horrible time actually sitting down and watching it, I’d also kinda recommend it? Just make sure you’re in a good headspace before throwing it on.

Also, please do not make the mistake that the couple sitting a few seats over from me did. To an unknowing viewer, this is a movie where Katniss Hunger Game and Edward Twilight are married. It has a Tumblr-core title that definitely tricked a few college kids into seeing it on a Friday night. They were joking around and having a good time during the previews at the start, but looked legitimately shellshocked as I walked past them at the end. Hope they’re doing well.

#3 – The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

I was initially planning on watching The Hobbit trilogy then breaking off all six movies into a separate post, but my Christmas gift to me is that I’m not going to put myself through that. So instead, we’re talking about the ones I did see here.

First things first, here’s my credentials going into these movies: I read The Hobbit plus the main trilogy over the course of this summer in a book club. I generally liked them, but thought they were a bit on the slow side. The Hobbit was my favorite because of this, since it’s way less dense and has a much greater focus on moving things along in a whimsical way. I’ve also never seen the movies before, so there’s absolutely zero nostalgia for any of this on my end. As for How I watched them, I checked out the Extended Editions and watched them on the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday mornings of Thanksgiving break.

Alright, got that out of the way. Now for the hard part.

Let me start by saying that I enjoyed my time with these movies. All three are solid films at their worst, and transcendentally good at their best. Fellowship is my fav by far, Return of the King is a fun conclusion, and Two Towers uh… Two Towers is definitely a movie. Let’s start with Fellowship.

Remember when I mentioned how important it is to know what to cut when adapting an existing work? Fellowship is the absolute gold standard of that idea for me now. This movie moves at such a brisk pace while still managing to have a relaxed overall tone, and I think a huge part of that is all the ideas from the book that were removed. And it’s not because those book ideas were bad to begin with either! Tom Bombadil is a fun little intro sidequest to set up the texture and whimsical nature of the world that Tolkien is crafting. Glorfindel is a cool dude with a sick name that makes the Elves feel way more fleshed out as a race.

But in a movie, you can establish that tone in a thousand different ways without sending your main cast on a detour. The visual medium allows for all of the flavor to be injected into the background, so that the plot itself can move along without slowing. And while no Glorf means that there are only like four Elves that actually do anything in the movies, shifting his actions onto Arwen develops her character immensely. Which is important, given that her relationship with Aragorn gets a decent amount of screen time. It’s just really economical writing.

Fellowship is also the only movie of the trilogy where most characters are just having a nice time throughout a decent chunk of it. The opening is so damn cozy and the journey itself doesn’t have the massively high stakes staring you in the face just yet. When you do see threats like the Nazgul, they’re certainly intimidating, but in a fairytale kinda way. Every shot of Mordor / Isengard feels like it’s straight out of a Tim Burton movie too. There’s a wacky edge to it all that keeps the gravity of the situation from bearing down directly onto you, and I really appreciate that.

I really love this one! I’m trying to keep these brief for my own sanity, so enjoy some vaguely linked bullet points before moving on to Two Towers:

The visuals when Frodo puts on the ring absolutely rule. It’s a shame it doesn’t happen more often throughout the story, it’s such a cool stylistic choice.
Speaking of stylistic choices, this movie loves to do extreme closeups on peoples faces, and it works perfectly. The cast is great at conveying emotion through expression across the board.
The one casting choice I disagree with is Aragorn and Boromir. Viggo and Sean Bean shoulda swapped roles IMO
- I know this is blasphemy, but Aragorn feels way too much like a feral weirdo and I never really believe that Boromir actually has it in him to be that bad of a guy. They just give the energy of each other’s roles super naturally.
  - Please don’t beat me to death with hammers for this take, every time I mention it people get very upset.

#4 – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

This one kinda sucks.

Okay, not really. But both the book and the movie are the weakest of their trilogies, and the film makes some baffling choices that weaken it even more.

For starters, we gotta talk about Gimli. He’s relegated to being comic relief only in the movies, with most of his screen time dedicated to him being a nasty little freak. I’m not going to pretend that he’s a particularly deep character in the books or anything, but he’s a normal person at the very least. Dwarves are usually characterized as a stubborn and proud race, but the singular on screen representation you get in this version exists solely to crack incredibly unfunny jokes, pour ale directly onto his beard, and be short. It sucks and I hate it.

Then there’s everything involving the Ents. I adore Ents, their chapters in the books are easily my favorites of the entire trilogy. They’re such a cool element to add in. A constant complaint about Tolkien’s writing is how much he focuses on describing things, specifically nature. Well half way through book two, guess what? The trees are characters now. They’re big, they’re set in their ways, and they’re extremely slow to change. But once they decide on something, they’re a nearly unstoppable force.

But in the movies, they just kinda, exist? The way things are edited makes it seem like Merry and Pippin were hanging out on Treebeard’s shoulder for like a full week before getting to the council. Then the council itself takes like a day, before the Ents decide that nah, they’re good, they won’t be helping in the gigantic war that’s brewing right next to their forest. But then they see like 20 destroyed trees, and oops, nvm, we’re all charging into battle literally right now. I have no idea why this was changed from the books. At least we get a cool visual of one of them being lit on fire then headbutting a wave to put himself out.

For a movie that has an entire novel to pull things from, it’s also shockingly intent on adding new stuff too. Random children being separated then reunited with their mother, backstory for Grima “compelling character of the century” Wormtongue, a fake-out death for Aragorn via suicidal hyena, etc. It all feels like a colossal waste of time, and makes the movie drag immensely.

Which is a very bad problem to have when Frodo’s entire story in this section is intentionally meant to feel like a slog on its own. I’m not going to fault the movie for making all of the parts with him, Sam, and Gollum feel like a chore to get through, since that’s kinda the point. But when the other half of the story is throwing random garbage at you too, it all collapses under its own weight.

Here’s some more bullet points:

For a guy wearing the most important item in the world on a chain around his neck, Frodo sure does like leaving the top buttons of his shirt open.
All of the refugees from Rohan start audibly mumbling “Helm’s Deep” to themselves as they approach it in an establishing shot. I get that this is realistically one of the only ways to confirm where they’re going without throwing text on the screen or something, but it’s just super funny. From now on, every time I drive back home from visiting family in Illinois, I’m muttering “Kalamazoo” as I take my exit into the city.
Aragorn making out with Arwen’s ghost via horse is fucking insane

#5 – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

This thing opens with Gimli being a repugnant ghoul again. World’s deepest sigh.

I don’t have much to say here overall. This is a very long, but very good movie. A ton of cool stuff happens, most of your loose ends are tied up, etc. The first chunk does a great job of streamlining the plot and setting up all the major events that are going to happen. Gollum is going to try to get Shelob to kill Sam and Frodo. Denethor is an evil jerk that is going to cause problems. The Horse Boiz are going to help in the war effort, but they are probably not enough to swing things on their own.

All these problems are solved in satisfying ways and the weaker book elements are removed with surgical precision. And holy moley it’s a good thing that Peter Jackson didn’t try to include Pippin hanging out with a child in Gondor, or the gossipy nurse lady who is only around to be yelled at by male characters for talking too much. Very glad those aren’t present.

That being said, there’s still plenty of stuff that doesn’t work for me. Eowyn felt like way more of a badass in the books, whereas she’s super unconvincing in the movies. Merry and Pippin feel like the exact same character copy and pasted into different scenarios. Gimli is still a mess and a disgrace to all other portrayals of Dwarves. My brother in Christ you are literally facing down the souls of the dead, can you please be serious for a single scene???

All the action sequences are a blast to look at, the cinematography is gorgeous, the music is moving, etc, etc. It’s a fitting conclusion to the series, and everyone is already very aware of that. I’m gonna leave it there. Here’s some more bullet points:

Constantly calling Sam the fat one is so funny, dude is built like a male model in 2025
A montage of Pippin singing a cappella over horses galloping, bows being shot, and the most vile consumption of chicken ever filmed definitely needed to be in the movie, thank you Mr. Jackson
There are 3 Wilhelm Screams in this. Nothing wrong with it, just noting that they exist
Elrond Hubbard converts an elderly hobbit to Sea-ontology, SAD
Sam and Frodo are so, so gay. I spent most of my life assuming that people were just exaggerating, but no, those men want to kiss each other on the mouth so bad.
It is objectively correct to not include the Scouring of the Shire at the end. It has no place at all in this story, and was bizarre to read through.
- Buuuuuuuut, I would give anything to live in a world where it somehow made it in. The primordial fantasy epic ending with a dumb sidequest that your party is massively overleveled for is so funny.

I’m finally free! This was kinda terrifying to try to put together. Upon CTRL+F’ing, I’ve realized that I don’t mention Gandalf a single time in the entire thing, so clearly this isn’t a super comprehensive review or anything. But I’m happy with it nonetheless.

If you made it all the way to the end of this, thanks! Pretty sure it’s the longest single thing I’ve ever written, I am so sorry. One more month of DYODM, that’s crazy to think about. Hope you’re having a nice holiday season, see ya in a few weeks for a very special end of the year post. Maybe. Hopefully. I dunno man, I’m so lazy about this thing. See ya!

THE LIST

One Battle After Another
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
12 Angry Men
The Lighthouse
Presence
Bugonia
Superman
Americana
Punch-Drunk Love
The Phoenician Scheme
Eddington
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Sinners
Jaws
Gone Girl
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Roofman
Die My Love
BlackBerry
F1
Mickey 17
Baby Driver
The Bad Guys
Honey Don’t!
Kiss of the Spider Woman
My Old Ass
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Splitsville
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
The Running Man
Death of a Unicorn
John Wick
The Shining
Michael
Matrerialists
The Big Lebowski