Hold on to yer butts, we’re speed running this one. I saw two movies last month and only one of them is really worth mentioning. So in the interest of not wasting anyone’s time, let’s hop into this!
#3 – The Trailer for Tron: Ares
I’ve had to see this gross little creep’s face before every single movie I’ve seen for the past like 3 months and I am so goddamn tired of it. It came out the day I wrote this and I have never been more thankful. Please keep Jared Leto away from me, I do not wish to gaze upon his visage ever again.
#2 – Splitsville
Dakota Johnson can only play an aloof slice of white bread, so putting her in a romcom where she plays the straight woman across from 2 freaky little weirdos works really well! She’s still like, exactly the same character as she was in Materialists which is uh, objectively kinda weird, but it’s fun enough to make you not really care.
This is one of those comedies where there’s a series of sensible chuckles throughout, rather than any huge laughs. The most memorable part isn’t even a joke, but a shockingly well done fight scene. Is that worth the cost of admission? Probably not. But if you’re in the market for background noise, you could do a lot worse than this.
Also the main character is played by one of the writers, and he whips his dick out multiple times. I don’t blame him, it’s a nice dick. I’d be eager to show it off too tbh. That’s it, that’s the review.
#1 – One Battle After Another
First things first: Go see this movie. Immediately. Do not be afraid of the runtime, it earns every single minute and the whole thing absolutely flies by. Get yourself out to a theater, and experience art. Please.
This is my second Paul Thomas Anderson movie after checking out Punch Drunk Love back in January. It’s mind blowing how similar the vibes are across those two films. Both have this current of anxiety under them, accentuated massively by a score that burrows into your ears and whispers your deepest fears directly into your brain. But whereas PDL is a small and grounded story, OBAA cranks literally every element up to 11.
It’s the kind of movie that just washes over you. One second you’re getting the most uncomfortably close up shot of a woman’s face you’ve ever seen, the next you’re getting a shot that puts renaissance paintings to shame. And then a few minutes later Leonardo DiCaprio is jumping out of a car and Benecio Del Toro is doing the smuggest little dance ever filmed. The entire cast is just acting their asses off the entire time. Imagine being named Chase Infiniti and actually living up to it. Absurd.
After seeing it twice, I can confirm that this is my favorite film I’ve seen in theaters this year, finally dethroning Presence. I can’t wait for it to win a ton of Oscars later, that’s gonna be fun. I could gush about it forever, but it would pretty quickly devolve into me just yelling plot points and you should just go see the movie rather than reading my jumbled thoughts on it.
As for some actual insight and thoughts that extend beyond me just soy-facing via text, I’ve got one. But it’s a bit spoilery. Everything after the below image of Leo’s face should only be read after you’ve seen da movie!
Throughout OBAA, there’s this constant theme of all of the “Revolutionaries” never quite sticking the landing. For all the big moments that the French 75 have, they never really amount to much. Opening on a scene of saving immigrants from a border encampment, only to fast forward 16 years into a present day where nothing has changed is intensely bleak. All that work for nothing. You see them continue to exist from the shadows, but without an impact. Just some old dweebs cosplaying a more important and incendiary version of themselves.
Meanwhile, Benecio Del Toro’s character is doing all of the things that the Revolutionaries wish they were. Actively helping the people in their community, keeping order through all the chaos in small ways that are actually impactful instead of making grand gestures that don’t actually solve any problems. No bombs, no declarations, no threats. Just a community of people looking out for each other. And that’s the real way that you resist at the end of the day.
Since my singular worthwhile thought is out of the way, it’s time for a dumb idea!
Now, the best time to start talking Sequels / Spinoffs was during the production phase, but the second best time is RIGHT NOW. Given the overwhelmingly positive critical response, I think that we should be looking at a minimum of 1 Prequel film centered around Lockjaw’s rise to prominence, a spinoff mini-series on HBO Max that follows the Christmas Adventurers Club, and 2-3 sequel films. The following is my pitch for the first of those sequels.
Fans across the U.S. of A. have responded extremely well to OBAA, but as we expand the franchise into a Cinematic Universe, we need to drill in on what makes the OBAACU unique within today’s twisting and turning media landscape.
Chase Infiniti’s incredible performance deserves a huge amount of praise, so she’ll be back in a starring role. Leonardo DiCaprio will also be returning, with a renewed focus on his arc as a single father. Fans of the OBAACU are smart, perceptive viewers, and a common complaint from those OBAACU-mers is the lack of growth that his character exhibits throughout the film.
So there will be a strong focus in this sequel on all of the learning and growing that Bob needs to catch up on. It’s been 16 years since his lover deserted him, so he’s had plenty of time to heal. Now that his daughter is all grown up and out fighting the good fight, he can finally return to his search for love. We can open with a montage of a few unsuccessful first dates (Set to The Rockafeller Skank by Fatboi Slim), before introducing our new love interest, Olivia Rodrigo. Now I know that this may sound crazy, but hear me out: We need to make sure that audiences are able to suspend their disbelief for all the wacky hijinks that are going to ensue, so pairing Leo off with the kind of woman he would normally be seen with in real life is a safe bet. And there’s already a precedent for real world artists appearing in the OBAACU, with rap mega-star Junglepussy’s presence in the first film.
Obviously it may be difficult to get the real Olivia to sign on for the role given her touring schedule, but if that gives us any issues we can simply recast Jenna Ortega in the role of Olivia Rodrigo instead.
For our antagonist, Sean Penn returns, this time as Robo-Lockjaw. It’s revealed that the Christmas Adventurers didn’t actually gas him unconscious, then cremate him to death in the first film. Rather, they were super-heating his skeleton so it would be capable of receiving hi-tech cybernetic implants. He’s back, and badder than ever. There was some confusion from audiences in the first film regarding a character named Lockjaw having a face that moved when he spoke, so in his redesigned form his entire face will be a singular piece of molded plastic. Finally, our viewer’s fantasies are fulfilled, and his jaw is truly locked into place! This also allows us to save on CGI, no animation required.
As for the plot, one critical piece of feedback we’ve received regarding the OBAACU is a concern with the partisan nature of the first film. We want to honor and represent all political viewpoints that are present in the diverse tapestry of our great country. As such, it will be revealed that there was an error with Robo-Lockjaw’s programming. He has been infected with the Woke Mind Virus. I’m imagining a shot of his glossy, lifeless eyes opening for the first time. He sits up on the operating table, stares directly into camera, and screams
“PROOOOOOOONOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNS”
Meanwhile, every single child that was present at the High School Dance in the first film is still incarcerated. Robo-Lockjaw breaks into the maximum security prison and rescues the lipstick-wearing Non-Binary child. They reveal to Robo-Lockjaw that they’re a member of ANTIFA, and the two head to San Francisco, where they meet up with the film’s new Primary Antagonist, ANTIFA Leader Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, also played by himself.
The bulk of our film follows a revenge-fueled Willa as she hunts down Robo-Lockjaw in a bloodthirsty revenge quest, where hundreds of White Men are shot, but we’re supposed to feel bad about it this time. Mix in some rom-commy elements with the “will they / won’t they” subplot surrounding Bob and Olivia, and we’re sure to have a mega hit on our hands! David Zaslav, my DM’s are open!
Well that’s the end of this blog post. It’s a bummer that so much of it was spoilers, but eh, what can ya do? Only 3 more of these for the year, that’s crazy. Please do not expect a bunch of horror movies for October, I am babby and will cry. Happy Fall Y’all!
THE LIST
- One Battle After Another
- Forgetting Sarah Marshall
- 12 Angry Men
- The Lighthouse
- Presence
- Superman
- Americana
- Punch-Drunk Love
- The Phoenician Scheme
- Eddington
- Sinners
- Jaws
- Gone Girl
- BlackBerry
- F1
- Mickey 17
- Baby Driver
- The Bad Guys
- Honey Don’t!
- My Old Ass
- Splitsville
- The Fantastic Four: First Steps
- Death of a Unicorn
- John Wick
- The Shining
- Michael
- Matrerialists
- The Big Lebowski
Flamoctapus 
Sarah has been dethroned, it was a good run. I gotta see New Leo Boogaloo…
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