Guys, gals and non-binary pals, we officially made it through the Summer. We’re days away from a wonderland of autumnal delights. It’s a great time to be alive. I have once again seen 6 movies this month, with 5 of them being in theaters. And my biggest takeaway from August is the following:
I’m one of those dudes who’s Letterboxd review graph is primarily composed of 4s, and I’ve had a few moments where I’ve felt kinda self conscious about it. If I’m taking the time to write out a paragraph or two about everything I watch, I should probably be a bit more discerning right? Certainly I’m just being nice when I give something like F1 or BlackBerry that high of a score. I need to put on my cynical pants and tear things down more often.
This endless deluge of Hollywood schlock is bad for me. Hell, those previously mentioned movies are both a complicated series of product placements when you really think about it. And Brad Pitt is a shithead IRL, so I’m supposed to hate everything he’s in on principle!
I grappled with these ideas over the past few weeks. If I generally like everything, what does that little orange heart and the 3.5 – 4.5 stars it sets next to actually mean? When every movie is good, then none of them are! But then it hit me:
I like movies!
A lot of the default hobbies in my life have started to feel a bit dull lately. Videogames aren’t grabbing me as much as they used to, I’ve watched and rewatched every video essay I care about on Youtube, and I’ve almost entirely kicked my crippling gambling addiction stopped buying Pokemon cards. The feeling of sitting down and directing 100% of my focus on a single screen, absorbing every element of the story being told is absolutely unmatched for me recently.
So of course I think highly of those stories being told! If I didn’t like film as a medium, why the hell would I bother writing about it to begin with? Sure, a lot of the stuff that I’m checking out has problems, but it’s pretty rare for those issues to override the good parts. My favorite brunch spot in Kalamazoo may or may not have roaches, but you can still catch my ass ordering a California Benedict every chance I get. In the same way, even though Mickey 17 completely wastes its brilliant premise and sputters out in the back half, I still had an absolute blast seeing it.
Movies are great, and as long as human beings are making them, I want to enjoy them. Even if that makes me a “bad” critic.
Now that the overly long intro is over, I can comfortably tell you about how much I liked some objectively garbage movies. Starting with:
#6 – Honey Don’t!
Honey Don’t! is not a good movie. The plot meanders in a ton of bizarre ways and the shockingly good cast (Margaret Qualley, Aubrey Plaza, Chris Evans and Charlie Day) is completely wasted. There are child actors that may or may not be aliens given how uncomfortable they appear to be speaking a human language. There’s a montage towards the end that feels so out of place that I genuinely think it is only in the movie to pad the run time, and even despite that the movie is less than an hour and a half long. It probably would’ve ended up longer if it actually had a third act, but that’s just straight up missing too.
So why did I like it? Well the plot is nonsensical, but you don’t realize that it’s going to collapse inward on itself until it’s already over so the ride isn’t ever spoiled. And despite it not being used in service of a particularly compelling story, that cast is still really goddamn good. Qualley playing an old-timey detective type is fun, and Evans nails the sleazy megachurch pastor vibes. That short runtime is a letdown, but it also more or less guarantees that the movie never drags.
Also, this is the most brazenly horny movie I’ve ever seen. Just a comical number of sex scenes, it almost feels like a running joke by the end. This would’ve gone triple platinum in the VHS players of middle school kids if it came out 2 decades ago.
This is normally where I’d put a conclusion paragraph, but I’m going to instead take a queue from Honey Don’t! and just cut things off as suddenly as possible.
#5 – The Bad Guys
I watched this because I saw that it got a sequel and it turns out that it deserved one! It’s got a tight script, it looks good, it’s funny, etc. That being said, I have astoundingly little to say about it. Just a fun little romp. If I saw this when I was 10, it would’ve become my entire personality for a month after watching it. Congratulations to the furries for their ongoing success in the culture war!
#4 – Americana
I place a lot of value in the distinction between Best and Favorite. There are so many things on this earth that I know are objectively excellent, but not necessarily for me. And at the same time there are a ton of really, really stupid pieces of garbage that I completely adore. Americana is not even close to the best movie I’ve seen this year, but it’s shockingly close to being my favorite.
Funnily enough, it shares a ton of traits with Honey Don’t! Both have relatively one-note characters that don’t grow in a meaningful way across their stories and are very open about valuing style over substance. They’re set in the modern day, but draw a ton of inspiration from genres of film you don’t see a ton of anymore. Where Honey Don’t! zigs towards a Film Noir style, Americana zags into a Western direction.
But where the two diverge the most is in tone. Honey is very firmly a comedy, whereas Americana takes itself way more seriously. There’s still plenty of humor, but the most prominent trait is a vulnerable earnestness. Paul Walter Hauser and Sydney Sweeney both bring a ton of warmth to their roles and embody that awkwardly genuine energy perfectly. And also, apparently Halsey is a really good actress, given that she’s absolutely killer here too.
The story being told isn’t groundbreaking by any means, but you can tell that the people telling it really cared about it seeing the light of day. And it almost didn’t! The film was set to premiere in 2023, then got shelved due to the studio behind it going bankrupt, only getting a limited release this year.
Which is a shame. I’m not going to pretend it deserves a ton of accolades or anything like that, but I will absolutely recommend it. This is probably going to be the second movie that I purchase later on this year once it becomes available. I can absolutely see it becoming my go-to for when I want some cozy sadboi vibes.
#3 – Jaws
It’s Jaws. There’s a shark. He bites da boat.
#2 – Weapons
I am a terrified little lad and cannot handle horror movies. I spent a significant amount of Weapons’ runtime staring at my hands in my lap, hoping that the people around me didn’t notice how tense I was.
So with that said, I don’t feel super comfy talking about Weapons with any real authority. I “enjoyed” it and think it’s a really well put together movie, but I also feel like I need to go check it out again to really get a grip on it. The Creggler is very good at playing with tension, building up skin-crawling suspense, then letting it deflate with a well timed joke. And as long as you aren’t a coward, the ending slaps.
Can you tell I waited too long to write the second half of this post? Turns out I have a really hard time writing about this many good things in one post, it’s kinda scary. I’m phobic.
#1 – The Naked Gun
I walked into this assuming it was a Guardians of the Galaxy and or Superman spin-off given how much everyone is glazing their director, but then I realized that there was only one N at the end of the title. Turns out I need new glasses.
Talking about comedy is notoriously difficult. How do you describe a joke, without just telling it and making it significantly worse in the process? And even if you do dance around the punchlines, you’re kinda forced into over hyping them. Which in turn makes the whole thing feel like a massive letdown in the moment.
My strategy for getting around this is to just not even bother. This move was very funny, and you’re just going to have to take my word for it. Pamela Anderson is great, there’s a running joke that comes up the perfect amount of times to stay funny without being tedious, the cameos all work, etc. It’s a hoot and a half.
Sorry for running out of steam on the back half of this one, I’m writing this on the 16th and I honestly feel nothing when I think back on movies from last month. My life has been weird lately, in a good way! Been touching grass and whatnot.
September is probably going to be a shorter post, as I’ve yet to see anything this month. Hopefully whatever I do end up checking out gets the creative juices flowing. Happy Fall Y’all!
Flamoctapus 