April showings brought May blowings, cause I only watched one movie last month and boy was it uh, not good. Please enjoy what is probably the longest piece of written work that has ever been devoted to the 1996 John Travolta classic:
#1 – Michael
I found out about this movie when watching Northernlion play https://boxofficega.me. Michael was the #1 movie at the box office for the weekend of January 3rd, 1997. NL identified it, quipped about it briefly, then moved on. But something about that poster captivated me. Just look at it.
This is one of the funniest images on the planet to me. The blurriness of everything besides Travolta’s face, with a smile that’s somewhere between Cheshire Cat and The Joker. The insane mullet, swept back as though he’s coming for you at dangerous speeds. The comically out of place dog in the bottom corner, looking like an artifact from a previously scrapped design. The 3 bespoke feathers, each of a different size, floating behind his head, above the letter “E” as though representing an accent mark, and in the dog’s mouth.
This poster spoke to me. Lured me in. How couldn’t I give it a watch? Sure, it’s got a 38 on Metacritic, but really how bad could it actually be? Part of my goal with this entire project was to get better at telling bad movies apart from good ones, and this sure seemed like it’d be the former. All I had to do was give Bezos four of my hard earned dollars to rent it on Prime, and I was ready for the ride of a lifetime.
Okay, not really. Michael is not a notable movie in any way. It’s mostly a comedy, but it’s not particularly funny. There’s a romantic subplot, but I can’t imagine a single soul finding it compelling. Travolta plays an Angel named Michael, and yet it’s not really that religious either. The whole thing just sorta happens. In the words of one Letterboxd User:
Here’s a brief plot summary, because you and I both know you haven’t seen it and don’t care about spoilers. Two writers for a tabloid magazine (I have no idea what their names are, so we’re calling them Guy and Fella) are sent out to rural Iowa to look into an older woman’s claim that she has a real-life, honest-to-god Angel living with her. They’re accompanied by a woman (Gorl) that was recently hired at the magazine that claims to be an expert on Angels, as well as the dog from the poster.
The gang arrives at the motel where the woman lives and are immediately suspicious of her claims, until John Travolta walks down stairs in his underwear with a gigantic set of white wings on his back.
The old lady suddenly dies about a scene later. There’s a funeral. Michael weeps uncontrollably in the rain. The next day Michael agrees to go with the group back to Chicago. They all load into the car, and suddenly the movie is about wacky roadtrip hijinks for about half of the total run time. One of the 2 dudes starts flirting with Gorl, because of course he does. Gorl mentions that she’s been divorced 3 times, and writes country music. Guy and Gorl sleep with each other.
The next morning, the dog sees a large pumpkin shaped like a bone in a field, runs into the street and gets hit by a truck, Guy begs Michael to do something. Michael says “it isn’t my area”. Everyone stands around and is sad. Gorl reveals that she’s not an expert on Angels, but is instead a dog trainer. The entire trip was a setup by their boss, so that when the group is unable to find a real Angel, both of the dudes get fired, then Gorl gets Fella’s job. Guy demands Michael do something, and Michael resurrects the dog. Michael is now “Out of Miracles” and dying. For the record, this is all a single scene.
They keep on driving to Chicago, making it all the way to the Sears Tower before Michael gets Thanos Snapped out of existence leaving behind a pile of feathers. Mr. God, I don’t feel so good, etc.
The group all go their separate ways, with the romance between Guy and Gorl being left unresolved. Then, one rainy night Guy sees Michael walking around, chases him through the street and eventually runs into Gorl, who was also chasing Michael through the street.
Guy and Gorl suddenly love each other. You can tell by the way that they take turns saying it while looking mildly annoyed at how cold it is. They’re getting married now. Hooray! Michael tells the ghost of the old lady that he invented marriage, time stops for everyone/everything beside them and they dance in the middle of the street.
FIN
One of the funniest parts of the entire movie is how little it cares about being coherent. Early on, one of the characters asks Michael why he isn’t out helping people and doing more for the world as a whole. Michael just says that he’s “Not that kind of Angel” and the subject is completely dropped. Later, Fella mentions that one of his kids died in “The War”, but there’s literally no way the timeline could make sense for that to happen.
There’s very little to say about the story itself, seeing as it kinda just happens, so instead I’m gonna dig into those roadtrippy scenes in the middle. This is clearly the main selling point of the movie, John Travolta being charismatic in wacky scenarios. He fights a bull, beats Dennis Rodman in a game of basketball, eats a lot of sugar, quips about inventing random concepts, etc. Every woman that lays eyes on him is immediately smitten, so naturally there’s an extended dance sequence that turns into bar fight as every lady in the establishment leaves their man to stare at his glorious moves.
After the bar fight our main characters end up in jail. There’s a heart to heart about how they all need to be nicer to one another. The group is put on trial, Michael has sex with the judge, and suddenly they’re all free to go. Nothing about this sequence makes sense, but the movie just keeps on trucking, so I’ll glaze over it too.
To close out this rambling, I’d like to take a moment to transcribe the final bits of dialogue between Guy and Gorl.
“I love you Gorl”
“I love you”
“Marry me”
“No”
“Marry me please”
“No”
“Marry me Gorl”
“No :)”
“Oh my darling Gorl, will you marry me?”
“Yes, yes”
Now, if you want to be charitable you can say that this is a call back to Gorl’s 3 divorces. But I’m not, so I’ll instead laugh at it for being ridiculous. Lol. Lmao, even. Oh also, the music was written by Randy Newman?
So, what lessons are there to learn from Michael? I personally found out that Bob Hoskins is British and I now know what John Travolta’s feet look like, so there’s at least 2 morsels of knowledge. I’ve also learned that art is meaningless, and you don’t really need to worry about it too much. Hell, I even put a few completely false plot-points / facts into this write-up for funsies, and can guarantee that nobody will ever notice. If you want to prove me wrong, the entire movie is on Youtube in a beautiful 360p resolution, go watch it and find the fibs. The person that uploaded it has a profile pic of the Medic from Team Fortress 2, so you know it’s good.
So uh, yeah. That’s Michael. It sure does exist. Maybe next month I’ll watch something better. Have a great night!
THE LIST
- Forgetting Sarah Marshall
- 12 Angry Men
- The Lighthouse
- Presence
- Punch-Drunk Love
- Sinners
- Gone Girl
- BlackBerry
- Mickey 17
- Baby Driver
- My Old Ass
- Death of a Unicorn
- John Wick
- The Shining
- Michael
- The Big Lebowski
Flamoctapus 