Real introductions are for scholars and students, and I sure as all hell ain’t one of those.
According to Wikipedia, Mighty Beanz were originally released in Australia’s blistering heat in the beginning of the wonderful year of 2002, before rolling on over to American soil in the following summer. This means that a Gen 1 Mighty Bean is now legal to fight and die for its country, vote in an election, open its own bank account, and get fucking shitfaced off Jaegerbombs without any legal consequences. The original run were pill-shaped pieces of plastic with a small metal sphere inside, causing them to roll around like they had already had a few of the aforementioned Jaegerbombs, before standing up straight on one end. They featured a variety of zany cartoon designs and were just sorta charming. You got everything from farm animals, to aliens, to X-Men, to football players, to whatever the fuck you’d describe this abomination as.
(The official answer is POP STAR, and yes, it does have nipples)
So, in an effort to provide myself with some escapism from the nightmare terror storm of 2020, I went ahead and picked up a few blind bags from my local Walgreen’s. At the completely reasonable price of $2.99, you get a big ol barrel-bean thing that contains 2 Mighty Beanz hidden within its plastic clutches. My intention is to take you, the reader, with me on a wondrous journey of discovery as I crack open a rolly one, check out what’s inside, then repeat the process 9 more times, so we can all head home feeling a slight sense of satisfaction in the bleak void that is existence!
(Quick author’s note here, there’s a metric ton of really images in this post and it might be a bit awkward to read. I’m not here to offer a solution to this issue, just a warning. Just read it and look at the fun pictures, ya dummy!)
Gaze upon the glorious Zone of Bean. The more philosophically minded of you might be asking if this vast expanse of plastic will truly help me to feel any semblance of happiness, while the more mathematically inclined will be quick to point out that there’s $30 (before tax) worth of garbage in front of my monitor. To the former, I say that there isn’t a single more tried and true method of raising one’s spirits than making a dumb purchase that serves absolutely no purpose other than novelty. To the latter, I used $20 in points, so that means they were practically free and to be quite honest it’s a bit rude of you to make such comments.
Upon freeing my new plastic sense of purpose from its crinkly plastic bindings, I’m left with another layer of opaque purple pollution, likely to disguise the contents of the capsule from any rabid collectors. There’s a picturesque hole that reveals a fish who, let’s be honest, is a whole ass MOOD. Upon freeing the Big Ol Beany Boi from his bondage, a jubilant purple whale is revealed. What a shock! Popping him open delivers the following beauty.
We get two Beanz and a tightly rolled piece of eye-catchingly glossy paper. On the left there is what appears to be a caveman with another human face for a crotch and on the right, a goofy grey face with an expression that is entirely too intense for something that is under an inch tall. Upon some further inspection, these are 125. ANCIENT MAN VS FUTURE MAN MIGHTY BEAN and 47. HAIRY GORILLA MIGHTY BEAN. You might be wondering what the giant M70 and M60 above their titles mean, but (spoiler alert) the included paper insert makes absolutely zero mention of what these strange glyphs are meant to represent. While I could likely find an answer through some quick googling, I am once again not a scholar and should under no circumstances be expected to act as one.
That being said, these new age Beanz of the future certainly seemed a bit more short and squat than the lanky bois of my youth. I’m not one to argue against science and I’m sure that the Beanzologists have their reasons for the redesign, but these new Beanz just aren’t as appealing as the originals. Maybe it has something to do with the game described at the bottom of the paper. If you somehow manage to hold the thing flat, you’ll notice a ruleset for the world’s hottest bean related sport, “KNOCK OUT!”. A brief skimming of said rules indicates that more than a single player is required, and I can’t think of a single more uncomfortable phrase to ask a friend than “Hey, you wanna come over and play KNOCK OUT with my Mighty Beanz?”. As such, the intricacies of this challenge of wit and dexterity will not be covered in this blog post.
Let’s take a moment to dive a little deeper into our Scroll of Beanzly Knowledge. If the following breakdown is boring, please feel free to look at my foot, which I intentionally left in the shot. We have images of all 140 Beanz in the series, divided into 28 different categories of five Beanz each. Categories range from normal stuff like REPTILE BEANZ and SPACE BEANZ, to gross-out bait like the DIRTY JOB BEANZ and ZOMBEANZ. There are also some truly bizarre sets, like the inexplicably first listed category of HAIRY BEANZ, the coveted POP CULTURE BEANZ, and towards the end of the list come the INFLUENCER BEANZ. The latter includes a Bean by the name of TOY REVIEWS TOYS BEAN which is just fantastic. There’s a slight continuity error here as well, with the names printed on the back of the Beanz themselves always ending in “MIGHTY BEAN”, whereas The Scroll omits the “MIGHTY” portion and opts instead for the brevity of a simple “BEAN” suffix. This is very likely due to the full title being too large to print 140 times but I am a man that pays no heed to bloated word counts (this blog post has over 2400 words) and will be referring to my new children by their God-given names. There is also a key at the top of The Scroll that can be used to decipher the rarity of each individual Bean.
With that in mind, some quick cross referencing reveals that ANCIENT MAN VS FUTURE MAN MIGHTY BEAN is a member of the TWO FACED BEANZ family, the only grouping with ten members instead of five, made even more impressive by the fact that every one of those ten Beanz is SUPER RARE. These are all meant to be viewed both in a standard orientation and upside-down, with a different face on either side. They are also an ingenious commentary on the duality of man, with each side being the opposite of its partner. In this example we see the humble beginnings of our disgusting species contrasted with a hopeful glimpse into the future of what we should strive to one day be. This artful expression is gorgeously reframed by comparing it to the other Bean contained in the package, HAIRY GORILLA MIGHTY BEAN, looking particularly dashing in their bright yellow hat. Despite what you might believe, they are NOT a part of the aforementioned HAIRY BEANZ club, but instead a representative of the WILD BEANZ, a group immediately recognizable by their intoxicating primal aura. My new banana enthusiast friend is merely a COMMON Bean, but I love him all the same.
Tearing into blind bag number two, I’m met with another large whale, this time in a delightful shade of light blue rather than the lavender sported by his predecessor. Inside is a second copy of 47. HAIRY GORILLA MIGHTY BEAN and a very constipated looking woman that will henceforth be referred to as 124. GOOD WITCH VS BAD WITCH MIGHTY BEAN. Another member of the TWO FACED BEANZ clan, she is half naughty, half nice and all Bean. A bit of a bummer to already have a duplicate less than a quarter of the way into this experience, but God works in mysterious ways and my faith in the Almighty Bean remains unshaken.
My third capsule was another purple whale that I forgot to take a picture of before tearing into. From its clutches two brand new Beans were released, both of whom made me incredibly uncomfortable. On the left we have 15. MISSING MIGHTY BEAN, a gentleman covered in lipstick, strange hand prints, and riddled with what appear to be bullet holes. He is a member of the SPY GUYS BEANZ, a group that is quite frankly incredibly boring. Another COMMON Bean and easily my least favorite of the bunch. On the right is 92. GRANDMA ZOMBIE MIGHTY BEAN, a RARE matriarch of the previously touched on ZOMBEANZ. Again, not particularly interesting. This new set continues to lack that certain je ne sais quoi of the Beanz from my youth. Here’s hoping things pick up a bit soon.
After 3 Whale containers, the chain is finally broken by an eager-looking rhino fellow. Popping him open reveals 57. MOSQUITO BEAN and 105. TOP TEETH BEAN, representatives from the BUG BEANZ and BIG TEETH BEANZ. The former is COMMON in both Bean and animal form and a complete waste of matter in both cases. The latter is ULTRA RARE and wanted by the police for questioning on 2 counts of battery as well as information regarding the whereabouts of the 1 out of 10 dentists that doesn’t recommend Colgate Optic White Toothpaste™. A complete snoozer of a capsule all around.
Things finally begin to pick up at number five. First of all we get the utter insanity of a military capsule, complete with a grenade, a lizard, an ironic peace sign emblazoned helmet and the veiniest biceps this side of the Pacific. But tragically, my luck plummets back into mediocrity with the contents. First up is 85. STINKY PLUMBER MIGHTY BEAN, a RARE member of the DIRTY JOB BEANZ union. A shitty Bean with a shitty job. But things are even worse with 87. DARK RED KIDNEY MIGHT BEAN, a COMMON thug from the DISGUSTING BEANZ tree. The less said the better with this disgrace.
I’m gonna be honest with y’all. My fingers hurt. This plastic is difficult to peel off and my pain only increases with each subsequent disappointment. Luckily, my handy-dandy Heart Attack Man Camo Print Knife is here to help. Now I can stab my way into sadness, with less general finger pain but the added threat of losing one entirely if I fuck up.
A slice and a dice gets me into package number six. I once again forgot to take a pic of the capsule, which was another rhino. He birthed these two weirdos, 110. STINKY GAS MASK MIGHTY BEAN and 04. HAIRY MIGHTY BEAN. One is ULTRA RARE and from the MASK BEANZ while the other is maybe the most uninspired design possible. I’d mention that he’s COMMON and from the HAIRY BEANZ group, but every word spent on this abomination is a word too many. Yawn.
Number seven changes things up significantly with a funky Triceratops capsule. She’s munchin on a big ol chicken leg and just generally livin her best life. Her contents are also the best yet, with the RARE 103. GNAWING BEAVER MIGHTY BEAN once again repping the BIG TEETH BEANZ and 97. ABOUT SEVEN OR SO BLACK MIGHTY BEAN from the DELICIOUS BEANZ category. The magenta light from my novelty flamingo lamp glistens off their ULTRA RARE obsidian juices, looking equal party hypnotizing and scrumptious. Things are looking up on my journey through the land of Beanz.
Eight. An incredibly boring number. Better than four, but quite a bit worse than seven. That axiom is proven true in both mathematics and Beanz, as my eighth capsule is another disappointment. Army man shell, 63. BUSTED BOXER MIGHTY BEAN and 35. KILLER WHALE MIGHTY BEAN filling. The former is a RARE envoy from the SPORTS BEANZ clan and the latter is a COMMON part of the FROZEN BEANZ pentafecta. I don’t really associate killer whales with being frozen, but who am I to speak against the work of The Beanz?
My penultimate capsule of fun is another Triceratops, this time sporting a sickly shade of puss-adjacent yellow. She holds within her plastic clutches 89. FIVE PINTO MIGHTY BEAN, another COMMON member of the DISGUSTING BEANZ, alongside our greatest find yet. 100. GARBANZO TRIFECTA MIGHTY BEAN is a MIGHTY RARE member of the DELICIOUS BEANZ group, the most scarce of the family. Even if this final package is nothing but COMMON trash, the entire journey was made worth it through this moment alone.
Here we are. The Final Beanz. As I lift it up to remove the outer layer of plastic wrap, I notice that it feels unusually heavy in my hands. Upon removing it from the thin plastic membrane I can see why. A light brown residue is erupting from along its diameter, a tell tale sign of good things to come. Popping it open reveals the greatest find of the decade. My suspicions are immediately verified, as the brown goo is 89. ENTIRELY TOO MUCH REFRIED BEAN another piece of the DISGUSTING BEANZ puzzle, But hidden within their slimy mounds was a shiny speck of both figurative and literal gold.
Here we can see 138. PURE GOLD MR. BEAN, a LIMITED EDITION Bean that hails from the storied glamour of the POP CULTURE BEANZ. Legend states that there are less than 100 of his kind in existence. Each PURE GOLD MR. BEAN is hand-crafted by artisans in the seedy back alleys of Brisbane, far from the factories that produce the rest of the Mighty Beanz stock. Gaze upon his glory with envious eyes, knowing that I will cherish him forever.
That’s gonna do it for me today. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell feel fulfilled. My desk is packed full of wonderful Beanz and my heart is full of wonder at the magical moments I’ve just experienced on my Bean based odyssey of the soul. I leave you with a final lineup of all my new friends, and a heartfelt wish for you to experience a time as great as this in the near future. Can you tell I suck at outros?
Flamoctapus 