Yogurt Covered Skittles? In My Candy Aisle? It’s More Likely Than You Think.

In the beginning, the five flavors lived together in harmony. Their peaceful coexistence delivered fruity explosions of sugar to the mouths of children and adults around the world. A simple handful was a fun-filled roulette, a test with no wrong answers. No matter the color, the results would undoubtedly be delicious. But everything changed when the Apples attacked. 

It came as a shock to us all. The villainous Green Apple struck down the beloved citrus hero in an event that would later be known as The Lime Genocide. Many brave soldiers attempted to stave off the Apple menace, but alas, the Great Green War of 2013 would be fought in vain.

 

“Where Were You When Lime Was Kill?” 

 

The question rang out through the rec area of many a VSW (Veterans of Skittles Wars) hall. Tales of youthful naivety shot down in an instant by news of a plot to usurp one of the world’s leading green candies. On that day, the rainbow tasted sour. 

 

The earth was left in a state of constant turmoil. There was nothing to be gained by wistfully reminiscing over the past. The Halcyon days were behind us. The only thing left to do was to press on. 

 

 

August 20th, 2019. A day that will live on eternally in candy history. Mars announces a new bastardization of the Skittles bloodline to be released in the following year. Not a deviation, like Tropical or Sour. An addition. Yogurt. Covered. Skittles. The mostly-delicious sugar lentils reborn anew, bathed in the marble coating of a creamy shell. The world was sent into a fit of hysterics.

 

“But why though?” 

“That sounds fuckin nasty.” 

“Hard pass.”

“Yum yum, gotta have that GURT!”

“I’m vegan.”

Humanity was in an uproar. Fathers battled sons, mothers disowned daughters, and grandparents lamented the lack of a sugar free variety. A consensus simply could not be formed. It seemed as though the very universe was holding its breath, until November 11th, 2019 arrived. It seemed as though 2020 came early, as store shelves were rocked with a product unlike any other. Skittles Dips were unleashed into the world, and it would never be the same. 

 

 

As you can see, I purchased two 6.4 ounce bags, for a total of 12.8 ounces of more or less pure sugar. The 5 standard flavors are all included, each wrapped in the loving embrace of the same yogurt that can commonly be found enveloping slightly stale pretzels. The combination is a strange one on paper. At no point in my 23 years of existence have I  consumed a Skittle and thought to myself, “Boy would this experience be improved with a creamy prelude before the crescendo of fruit that I am currently living through!” That is not a normal thought, and I am a very normal man. 

 

Both bags combine nicely into a disposable Styrofoam bowl in such a way that would be appropriate for putting out at a party, to let your guests know that not only do you hate the environment, you hate them too. Each individual Skittle has the faintest of coloration, so consumers with an eagle eye can tell the flavor of the sugary nightmare before committing. Just in case you are particularly averse to one of the five flavors. 

 

 

Above you can see all five flavors lined up, exhibiting a surprising lack of color when compared to each other. Which flavor is which? How many days in a row did I put random items on a fidget spinner and play pop-punk music in the background?  Check out @thingsonspinnerswithpoppunk on Instagram to find out the answers to these questions and more! Or don’t. I’m not your dad.

 

After determining which of the colors were which by scraping a tiny piece of ‘gurt off with a toothpick, I decided to bite the bullet and dive right into the assuredly hellish experience that the Green Apple Skittle would certainly provide me. And honestly, it was actually pretty good! The yogurt layer provides a wonderfully mild counterbalance to the overpowering synthetic apple flavor that Skittles connoisseurs are all too familiar with. The end result is a product that is akin to dipping an apple slice from a fruit tray into the yogurt sauce that is often included. 

 

With that out of the way, onto a more pressing matter. I am finally ready to answer the question that has been resting delicately on your lips as you read through this entire jumbled mess of letters I’m choosing to call a blog post. 

 

What happens if you microwave them?

 

 

They crack in half, look gross, ruin a perfectly good sauce bowl, make your family just a little more disappointed in the choices you’ve made, and give your kitchen a fun and fruity scent!

 

So in summation, Skittles Dips are a solid newcomer to the Skittles family. The addition of a smooth wave of yogurt is just what the fruity beach of Skittles needed. They even manage to do the impossible and make Green Apple a solid member of the Skittles team, despite the atrocities they have committed in the past. It seems as though even the most heinous of villains can be redeemed through the power of yogurt…

 

 

 

IS WHAT I WOULD SAY I WAS A DAMN FOOL!!

 

Yes, the yogurt coating makes Green Apple more bearable, but when I reach for a package of something that is literally over 70% sugar, I’m looking for something a bit better than okay. Yet again, every single other flavor outshines Green Apple. Strawberries and cream is a known, delicious combination. Orange and cream makes a dreamsicle, a frozen treat so wonderful that they named it after the only place you can escape this hellish reality. The Lemon and yogurt mixes to form something that is akin to a lemon bar and just feels downright refreshing. And finally Grape and yogurt is certainly unorthodox, but Grape is already the best remaining flavor (R.I.P. the greenest member of The Citrus Triumvirate), and as such it gets a massive pass. 

 

That leaves Green Apple in its rightful spot at the absolute bottom of the flavor barrel. And speaking of Lime, can you imagine how wonderful our gone but not forgotten sugar pellet would’ve been if given the opportunity to be draped in the blissful smoothness of yogurt? If Lemon combines into something similar to a lemon bar, it stands to reason that Lime would invoke a flavor similar to key lime pie. Skittles had the opportunity to pay homage to the official dessert of Florida, but the cowards at the top are too afraid to embrace their destinies. 

 

 

Compare that to a fucking fruit tray. Some bullshit that you find at a work potluck. Sure, you put a bit on your plate so whoever brought it won’t feel bad about literally nobody even trying their dish that they worked so hard on (or just grabbed from a supermarket on their way to work), but that’s just an action taken out of pity. You aren’t going to eat that nonsense, the fruit is already browning before your eyes. Who knows how long it’s been since this was refrigerated? No, in the end those apples end up where they belong. In the fucking garbage. 

 

In conclusion: Fuck Green Apple Skittles now, Fuck Green Apple Skittles in the past, and Fuck Green Apple Skittles in the Future. Goodnight.