Life is a nightmare and we exist only to suffer, but every once in awhile the cruel and uncaring god that runs this shithole bequeaths unto us a reason to carry on. This week it’s CHAPPELL ROAN FORTNITE
America’s favorite lesbian top can finally beat Homer Simpson to death with a pickaxe, or whatever you do in that game. I dunno, I’ve only played it like twice when they added Street Fighter skins. Anyway, if you’re like me and want to be as annoying as humanly possible, here’s a comically large list of Chappell Roan lyrics you can reference while playing, listed in order of release from the start of Midwest Princess to The Subway along with specific use cases!
Get it hot like Papa John
(When asking teammates to shoot someone)
Got what you wanted so stop saying sorry
(When your teammate’s plan when poorly)
Ladies, you know what I mean
(Self Explanatory)
I’m in the hallway waiting for ya
(When waiting in a hallway for assistance)
I just want you to make a move
(When you want your teammate to go first)
I didn’t quite think it through
(When apologizing for an under-cooked or hair-brained scheme)
I don’t care that you’re a stoner
(Self Explanatory)
I got a wand and a rabbit
(When a teammate asks what you’ve been looting)
My mama said nothing good happens when it’s late and you’re looting alone
(When you die on your own because you left the group)
This is what I wanted, this is what I like
(When a plan works)
I love a little drama, let’s start a bar fight
(When you instigate some conflict)
Nowhere else is safe
(When in danger)
Let’s do the park, cause I love the park
(When you want to go for a stroll on the promenade)
God forbid it gets dark
(Have they added a day/night cycle to Fortnite yet? It seems like a natural thing for them to do. Idk man, I play Deadlock)
Here come the excuses
(When your teammate makes an oopsie)
I’d rather feel something than nothing at all
(So true bestie, she’s just like me fr)
I don’t need it anymore
(When you give an item to your teammate)
My friends call me a loser
(3Real5Me)
I tried to be the chill girl, but honestly I’m not
(When you crack under pressure)
You can go to hell
(When your teammate asks for your shotgun)
You know what they say, never waste a Friday night on a first date
(Self Explanatory)
He was wearing these fugly jeans
(When your teammates ask who shot at you (It was the fucked up Ozempic Peter Griffin))
We’re leaving the planet and you can’t come
(When you ditch your teammate)
I need a super graphic ultra modern girl
(Self Explanatory)
Not over dramatic, I know what I want
(When you’re being chastised for repeatedly asking if anyone has found a shotgun)
It’s all in my head but I want non-fiction
(When your plans aren’t being followed)
I try not to care, but it hurts my feelings
(When your team makes fun of you for being bad at the video game)
Wishing you the best in the worst way
(When your teammate takes your loot)
No need to be hateful in your fake Gucci sweater
(When someone with a whack-ass fit shoots at you)
It’s hot when you know that you’re caught and you’re getting pissed off
(When your teammate is upsetti spaghetti)
OHH GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWD
(When the fajitas come out sizzlin)
I need you around
(When you need assistance)
I’m getting close now
(When you’re on your way)
**attempt to yodel***
(Self Explanatory)
How it works, we’ll never know
(When someone asks what an item does)
I know you wanted me to stay
(If being reprimanded for leaving)
I’m having wicked dreams of leaving [INSERT LOCATION HERE], oh [INSERT DIFFERENT LOCATION HERE], I swear it’s calling me
(Self Explanatory)
GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
(Literally every time someone dies)
I’m just havin fun
(When asked what you’re doing)
Don’t think I’ve left you all behind
(When you’ve strayed from the group)
Constant, like cicadas in the summertime
(When someone asks how often you’re planning on playing Fortnite over the next few weeks)
Boys suck
(Self Explanatory)
Could go to hell, but we’ll probably be fine
(When someone asks about the consequences of your actions)
Let’s make it cinematic
(When you go for a sick 360 no-scope)
We both have a crush on Regina George
(Self Explanatory)
In New York you can try things
(Self Explanatory)
I was never told that I wasn’t gonna get the things I want the most
(When you don’t find a shotgun)
If it hasn’t happened yet, then maybe you should go?
(When you’ve been camping in a building for like 10 minutes and nobody shows up)
To think I almost had it going, but I let you down
(When you almost clutch out the Dub, but choke at the last second)
Come get me out
(Self Explanatory)
Learned it on the Internet
(When someone asks where you got your sick gamer skillz)
Sometimes I scare myself
(When someone compliments the aforementioned sick gamer skillz)
Shame on me and shame on you
(When you and your teammates both do a bad job)
I want this like a cigarette
(When you’re close to getting that sweet, sweet #1 Victory Royale)
Oh my god, you’re heaven sent
(When the homie bails you out of a sticky situation)
Can we drag it out and never quit?
(When you’re asked if you want to continue playing)
You’re a pothead, you’re a cinephile
(It’s literally me)
Good Luck Babe!
(When someone leaves the group)
It’s fine, it’s cool
(When someone apologizes)
Shoot another shot
(Self Explanatory)
Make a new excuse, another stupid reason
(When your teammate tries to defend their actions)
Well I told you so
(Self Explanatory)
Baby I’m a giver
(When someone asks for an item)
Ain’t no country boy quitter
(When someone wants to go in / chase people)
I get the job done
(If ever complimented)
Other boys may need a map
(When asked where we’re going)
Yes ma’am. Yes I do. You’re welcome.
(Self Explanatory)
- Honestly like literally all of The Giver works, this song goes insane
It almost killed me, I had to leave the room
(When running from a fight)
Fuck this city, I’m moving to Saskatchewan
(When you want to leave an area)
She got away
(If a woman ever makes it out of a fight)
Armed with this new knowledge, you’re now ready to become the most annoying person in the discord server! Get ready to be asked to leave as soon as it’s socially acceptable to do so.
Also, while I’ve got you, here’s a tier list of every Chappell Roan song that either of us have heard. You and I both know you haven’t listened to anything off of School Nights, don’t lie to me.
RWS remains the GOAT, The Giver is criminally underrated, PPC is good but overplayed, and it will never stop cracking me up that this woman has two different songs about masturbating.
Anyway, goodnight y’all!
Flamoctapus 