In an effort to understand just how much of our beloved candy has been marred by the Green Apple plague, I recently purchased a 41 ounce bag of Skittles. The results may shock you.
As you can see from the display of pure science in the above picture, I sorted through all 41 ounces of tainted fruity goodness, dividing the sugar lentils by flavor and counting the exact number of each flavor. Going into this experiment, I was certain that the universally maligned Green Apple would be the least bountiful by a large margin. The Puppetmasters behind the scenes of the Skittles empire surely must have known of their sins, and at least afforded the public with a lesser amount of the bastard sons of wholesome flavor. The results were, frankly, mortifying. At first the count seemed appropriate with 247.5 Strawberry (more on the decimal later), 243 Lemon, 205.5 Orange and 229 Grape. I saved the parasitic trash for last, as I didn’t want to soil my hands with their putrid green before handling the other, more delectable flavors. My count of the vile Green Apple scourge came out to a horrifically large TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN. A full 10 Skittles more than those of the Orange persuasion. Here’s a handy graph to help visualize the stats.
Seems pretty appropriate, right? WRONG. Looks can be deceiving, and though it may not be immediately apparent based on this graph, of the 1140 Skittles in the 41 ounce bag, 18.9% were putrid Green Apple trash. Despite the fact that in an ideal society this number should be zero, I am willing to go a more egalitarian route and settle for an even spread of 20% across the board. And at the surface level, this number should be fine. But in relation to the other percentages, those being 21.7% Strawberry, 21.3% Lemon, 20.1% Grape, and most importantly, Orange, a measly 18% which is a full .9% less than that of the Green Apple garbage, this 18.9% is insulting to the candy community.
This is beyond unacceptable. This is a travesty the likes of which humanity hasn’t faced since the cancellation of the hit Nickelodeon television show “Drake & Josh”. We as a species cannot stand for this kind of injustice. There must be balance. There must be equilibrium amongst the flavors, and failing that, we must keep the offensively flavored Green Apple at bay, by keeping it the least seen, heard and tasted of the Skittles. There must be Justice for Orange, one of the two remaining brothers of the Citrus Triumvirate, after the Holy Lime was taken from us far too soon.
We have faced a sudden loss before, the slow death of another cannot be stood for. #JusticeForOrange #DeathToGreenApple
Now moving on to those decimals. Contained within my 41 ounce bag of mostly delicious candy, there were a few anomalies.
Moving from the left of the top row, we can see a small piece of a Lemon shell that has attached itself to one of the Emerald False Prophets, a Grape and an Orange with cracked shells, half of an Orange, and finally a unfortunate merging of two Lemons, one Strawberry, and one Grape held together by a shell-less mass of Strawberry innards, which tasted delicious. On the bottom row, there are three small Strawberry pieces, a Lemon and a Strawberry locked in a loving embrace, and last but not least, a Brave Grape locked in an eternal struggle with one of the Green Apple heathens. All of the full sized Skittles were counted as one, with the Strrawberries being and the Orange pieces being counted as a Half-Skittle for each of their total numbers. The Lemon shell and the Shell-less Strawberry weren’t counted.
These findings will be used for the greater good, and should amount to much progress in the world of Skittle Analytics. As for the 215 irredeemable Green Apple Skittles, check back over the coming weeks to learn of their fate.
Flamoctapus 